Out of the Closet
by tatakailittleackerman
Summary: Trans! Armin and Jean in cannonverse - Armin is openly trans and deals with a lot because of it. Jean is the friend that slowly grows into something more. Jearmin. T rn


Armin POV

"So, if I have a dick and I say I'm a girl, then what does that make me?"

"A girl." I sighed. God damn, can't these people read a book on gender and sexuality?

"But I have a dick!" The trainee, Thomas, said.

"Doesn't matter. If you identify as a girl, then you're a girl." I gestured to myself. "Just like I identify as a boy, so I'm a boy."

"But you aren't, though."

"Yes, he is." Eren said beside me. I looked over at Mikasa on my other side, looking ready to punch Thomas in the face.

"Neither the parts that you have, nor the way you are designated at birth dictate what gender you identify as." I said for the hundredth time that day.

"But you're a girl." He said, confused. "You're born a chick, so you are a-"

"I will end you if you misgender him one more time." Eren stepped forward. He was always so protective of me, even more so now that I'm out of the closet.

Being in the closet as transgender had its own unique issues, and so did, (as I was quickly learning), being out of the closet. Apparently since I was trans, I was automatically the designated gender educator for the whole fucking trainees. Everyone and their fucking brother thought I was a walking book on everything queer. I had heard a million questions, each worse than the last. My favorite so far was: "If a girl is blowing me and she sticks a finger up my butt, am I a gay?"

"I'm just trying to understand why she's-"Thomas was cut off by Eren's fist. I rolled my eyes and started walking away. I didn't try to stop him from punching Thomas. I had been misgendered repeatedly every day since I came out, and now I just didn't care. I was hurt and just didn't care. I went out into the cool night air and Mikasa was right by my side.

"You're not going to make sure Eren is okay in there?" I whispered, feeling the stress weighing on me.

"Eren can handle himself." She whispered, bringing me into her arms for a hug. "I'm more worried about you."

"Why is it so fucking hard for people to understand I'm a boy?" I gripped her hard, inhaling her comforting scent. "I'm just a little boy."

"I love you Armin." She whispered to me and I smiled despite my sadness.

"I love you, too, Mikasa."

A throat clearing had us releasing each other and turning around. It was Jean, rubbing the back of his neck and looking awkward as hell.

"Hey. Armin." He nodded at me.

"Jean." I nodded back.

"Mikasa. Um, I was wondering if you would like to maybe, um, get lunch with me this weekend. You know, when the trainees go into town? I'll pay and everything and-"

"Thank you, Jean, but I'm busy." Mikasa tucked her chin into her scarf and turned back toward the door. "I'm going to step inside for a moment to check on Eren." She looked at me. "Are you coming with me?"

"No. I need some more air." I smiled at her, waving my hands for her to go ahead. I knew Jean made her uncomfortable sometimes with his advances.

"I'll be right inside if you need me." Mikasa said, shooting a look at Jean. The warning was clear.

"Eren this and Eren that. What the fuck is so great about Eren?" Jean said as soon as Mikasa shut the door. "What does he have that I don't have? Am I really that bad? What's wrong with me?"

"History." I said to him. "That's what you don't have that he does. He has history with Mikasa, and it means a lot to her."

"How am I supposed to make history with her when she won't give me any chances?" He sighed, leaning on the railing. I thought of some uplifting advice to give him, but I didn't say it. Mikasa wasn't interested, and I shouldn't indirectly lead him on. I leaned on the railing next to him, trying to think of something to say.

"For what it's worth, Jean, I think you're a great guy." I smiled up at him. He flushed a little around the cheeks before turning away from me.

"Thanks, Armin. I think you're a great, um, person, too."

"Guy." I whispered, looking down at the ground. "I'm a guy."

"A great guy, then." He paused. "I heard the thing about you being transgender, but I didn't really understand it."

Here we go. "I'm Armin Arlert, a boy. That's it." It wasn't my job to educate everyone.

"You, um, have a, you know, right?" He coughed awkwardly.

"No. I don't know." I knew he was asking about my vagina, but I wanted to make him say it. I wanted to hear the shame in his voice when he asked another human being about what they had in their pants.

"A _you know_. Girly parts." He stood back from the railing and I saw him rubbing his neck again. Good. I hoped he was embarrassed.

"I still don't understand what you're asking, Jean." I kept my voice as neutral as possible.

"Look, man, do you have a dick?" He asked, sounding uncomfortable. Good.

"I don't." I pursed my lips. "Do you feel proud of yourself for asking that?"

"No. I feel like a tool."

"Good."

We were quiet for a minute. The only sounds were the singing of crickets and Eren's angry yelling in the background. Normal night noises.

"Is it safe for you to live in the male bunks? Aren't you ever scared of-"

"Of being beaten or raped or something? Yes. Violence is a part of every transgender person's life." I bit back the rest of my comment about how it was because of ignorant cis people like him.

"I'm sorry." Jean whispered.

"You have no idea what it's like to have fifty of your fellow soldiers come up to you and ask you about your most personal, private details." My voice cracked.

"You're right. I don't understand that."

"It feels awful. Then when they misgender you and constantly poke at you and prod at you like you're some kind of animal instead of a person…It's just heartbreaking."

"I said I'm sorry, man." He grumbled. I swallowed hard, tears coming up in my eyes. It was a trying week.

"Whoa. Whoa. Don't cry! Fuck." He moved toward me like he was going to touch me, and I flinched away, fearing he would feel my binder or my curves. "Fuck. I'm so bad at this."

I covered my face with my hands as I started to cry, pain overwhelming my embarrassment. I was regretting coming out. I had spent two years with these people so far, presenting as a cis male. I stayed in the male dorms, used the male restroom, had my stuff in the male locker rooms, and was treated like a man. I felt safe, so I lowered my guard and let it slip to the wrong person in the wrong conversation. I felt safe and happy, so when it started going around that I was transgender, I just laughed and said 'Yup!'. Quickly, I was learning that when knew you were trans, they treated you different. With some people, it was a lot different.

"What! Did! You! Do!" Eren roared after throwing open the door.

"Cool it, Yeager! I didn't hurt him!" Jean yelled, and I pulled my hands away from my face to look at him. At least he was using my proper pronouns.

"Armin." Mikasa came to my side. "Did he touch you?"

"I'm okay." I said to her. "Stop them from fighting."

"Then why is he crying?" Eren growled, stepping up to Jean.

"I didn't touch him! I just asked him some questions!"

"Eren! Jean!" Mikasa snapped, and their attention instantly flew to her. I wonder what it was like to command that kind of respect. "Stop it. Your fighting is upsetting Armin."

"Can everyone just calm down? Can I just go to bed?" I hugged myself, covering my chest. It was a habit I had when I was uncomfortable.

"Yeah. Armin, if that's what you want, then I'll make it happen." Eren gave one final glare to Jean before heading over to me. "Come on, bro."

It was times like these that I was glad that Eren's bed was right next to mine. I curled up on my side, facing him. He laid on his back, throwing a ball up into the air and catching it.

"He asked me if it was safe for me here." I whispered to him. He paused with the ball in his hand, missing a beat before throwing it back up.

"It's safe. I'm here."

"Yeah." I said uneasily.

"Someone been fucking with you?" He asked, his tone dropping a bit.

"I'm a gay transman who has the weakest muscles of all the guys here, Eren. Someone is always fucking with me." I closed my eyes.

"Names." He demanded.

"Eren, I don't want drama, I just – "

"_Names._"

"I just want to tell you that ever since I came out, I feel a lot safer with you or Mikasa near me. Thank you." I always felt safer with one of them around, even though I hated the way it was forever them saving me.

"Don't mention it, Armin. We love you. We three take care of each other. It's what we do. So, give me names."

I groaned, rolling over. "Night."

"Who's this 'Night' fucker and why are they messing with you?"

"Eren, I love you, but just shut up."

"I'm ready to go. I'll kick anyone's ass, Armin. I'll kick Jean's ass. I'll kick Reiner's ass. I'll kick my own ass."

"_Please. _Go to sleep." I shut my eyes tight.

"Ready to go. Twenty – four/ seven. I mean it."

I ignored him, choosing instead to focus on sleeping.

…

The morning routine was interesting to say the least. I woke up earlier than everyone else so I would have time to shower in peace without fearing that some fucker would rip open the shower curtain to 'see if the rumors were true'. Then, I would dry off, struggle on my binder, (which I made myself after reading some books, thank you very much), and dress before waking up Eren.

I used to head to the classroom early, but since coming out, an empty classroom looked more like a bad situation waiting to happen. I remember being cornered by some guys not even in my class who demanded to see my chest. Mikasa made it to me in time before anything bad happened, but I didn't go in there early anymore. Now I plopped on my bed after waking up Eren and read.

It was there the next morning when Jean called me down to him.

"Jean?" I asked, hopping down from my top bunk.

"Yeah. Uh… I feel bad about last night-"

"Don't worry about it." I didn't want to think about it either.

"No. Man, I, uh, I want to make it up to you. Come with me to that lunch that Mikasa wouldn't go to." Then he quickly added, "Not that it's a date or anything."

"Yeah. That…That sounds nice." I smiled at him.


End file.
